Keep on Rockin’ and Empower Yourself

Rockin’– hard, punk, new and awesome.  I’m moving forward, attempting to  knock my reader’s socks off their toes, but first I have to know who my readers are!  Until now they have been fellow writers, but in this blog, I am attempting to meet new demands and topics that will open the abyss to any topic that can give a  sense of awesome, comfort and interest.  First I must tell you about myself.

I have not written anything too personal about myself, but now maybe it’s time.  This isn’t easy for me, as I have always reserved that right for my closest friends and family.  I hope to have a new family- people who share interests in all topics from cooking to sex.  I am a people person, and have worked as  an Empowerment Specialist for most of my adult life.   So what empowers me?

In the past year and a half I have learned a lot about myself.  The saying, “better late than never” really does apply to me.  I have gone through my life with blinders on, or cotton in my ears. I never listened to my own words I gave to others.  I saw, but I really didn’t see who I was as a person,.  I knew who I was as a mother, a wife, a friend. I thought I knew who I was until I was alone for the first time. I didn’t feel empowered at all.  I felt weak in just about every area of my personal self.

When my husband of sixteen years and I split, I found myself having to rely on me.  He did everything for me from fixing lawnmowers to fixing my computer.  I didn’t know or care to know anything about the mechanics of things and how they work.  I didn’t have to.  He was a fixer of all trades, so why should I worry, right? Hah!  My first blunder was not learning or paying attention to the details of how things  work.  My Mr. Fix-It was gone, and when I moved, so did my computer!  OMG, what an ordeal for me to plug it in and get it running with all its wires and add-ons.  My mind was crazy with “oh shit” remarks and “damn it’s”.  I was angry at him for leaving me in this lurch and feeling of total helplessness.  I blamed him for my stupidity.  Once the anger subsided, and I did get the computer working, I laughed and told myself that never again would I be so dependent on another person to fix my problems.  The reality was that my issues weren’t his fault, but mine.

The computer may be a minor detail to you, but for me it served as the catalyst to get myself together.   How did I make major decisions without consulting my best friend  – my ex- husband, when he was no longer available to me as a friend, a lover or anything?  On came the tears and the loneliness, and again I blamed him for my insecurities and difficult path to making decisions for myself. I missed that part of us, because we had always made decisions together.  Now I faced them alone.

Questions of where should I live, what could  I afford, worries about if my credit would  withstand the up-coming months of supporting myself  all came to me in waves  of despair and depression.  I nearly lost my business, my home, and my financial security.  I was a mess.  Life was not fair.  Life was not good.  I started going to a support group, and that turned me around.  I learned that if I sat back and looked at what I had done up to that point, I was  surviving.  I did make reasonable decisions on my own, and I could be a grownup.

In a few short months, I learned more about the computer, I had managed to keep my business afloat, I began writing again after several years of procrastination, I found a nice place to live, and managed to save my home we shared, and moved in after months of fighting for a home modification loan I could afford.  I did all these things without him.  I was beginning to feel pretty kick ass!

In the next few posts, I will be talking to you about empowering your life, and taking charge again of who you are.  Empowerment comes in many forms and in many ways.  I am interested in your story and how you overcame a weakness in an area in your life.